fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
