I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
