i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
