i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
