My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
