sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
