Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you traded sex for a burrito?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
