I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize