You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
