I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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