i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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