I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
