It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
