Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
