You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
