I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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