Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
