wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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