when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dick very happy bro
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
