the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
