1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
