I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
