she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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