i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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