I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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