I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is Oprah even human
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
