Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
