dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
