A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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