I wish I only lived at night.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
