i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
