My underwear smells like fireworks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
cat food counts as protein by the way
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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