this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
