my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
