Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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