I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
