they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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