I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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