totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
