yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
