I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
