The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
