I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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