Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
