You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
