i don't like sucking hair
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
