I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i jhust puked up my retainher.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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