just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
