I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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