I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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