It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
