Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
