this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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