Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
