I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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