Fuck appropriateness.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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