Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
