I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
