is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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